More Bonus Material For The Septic Circle

I’ve just completed another piece of bonus material for The Septic Circle. It isn’t yet live on the official Septic Circle site – I thought I’d post it here first. It is an interview from one of the book’s fictional magazines, Psychic Monthly, featuring Fenwick Arcana – the man who everybody loves to hate – in the aftermath of The Thorne Conspiracy. It should be noted that, since this character interview takes place after the events of the book, there will be spoilers if you haven’t yet read it. You also won’t know what the hell is going on.

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Jenna Von Plume, VIP columnist for Psychic Monthly caught up with recently fallen paranormal TV star Fenwick Arcana for a chat earlier this month, to find out what he’s up to now, and how he feels in the wake of the infamous Spirit Squad wrap party, which has, arguably, dented his blooming psychic TV career.

So, Fenwick, what are you doing now?

In order to gather my brutalised energies, and give myself the break I deserve after a highly demanding filming schedule and my significant charity work, I have booked into The Soul Centre. It is a spiritual wellness and recovery retreat, where a celebrity of my calibre can be sure of dedicated, professional attention for all aspects of mind, body, soul, and hair.

What was your reaction to Devon Thorne’s show becoming the highest-rated program in the UK in the last six months?

I thought I made it quite clear that that bearded cockroach’s name was never to be mentioned. My aura is already in flux, and mention of that evil pustule on the soul of mainstream television could fracture it irreparably. If that happens, your editor will be receiving a very large bill and you’ll be out of this petty little reporting job. That said, I’m outraged and disgusted that TV ratings can be so obviously manipulated to make it look like people actually like and enjoy that no-talent trickster’s programs. I hope his beard falls off.

Will you be filming a second season of Spirit Squad?

Due to their shocking lack of respect and appreciation, let alone support after that disgusting Thorne debacle – not to mention the absolute fools that the man made of them all – we have decided to part ways. I know that it is a blow to their little production company – after all, one doesn’t just lose a star as bright as me and not come away scarred – but needs must, and my needs are greater than the needs of the many or the few. They also refused to apologise for laughing at me, and to pay for my stay at The Soul Centre. Their selfishness will come back to haunt them when I emerge more charged than ever and wipe their little show from television existence.

Annette Proffit described you in her latest Psychic Monthly interview as unreasonable, demanding, and a ‘fucking diva’. How would you respond?

Is asking for my own stylist, makeup girl, private assistant, and spiritual bodyguard unreasonable? Do they know how spiteful some spiritual entities can be? Do they appreciate what a night’s stay in a crusty, working-class pub can do to delicate follicles, let alone auras? No. This was their biggest problem. Lack of understanding, lack of compassion, lack of respect for my talent. All celebrities have an entourage and no one worries about room on the bus for them. I told the producers that they should just get me my own bus and they laughed in my face. Outrageous.

Anyway, Annette was far more demanding than I, expecting me to be on set at the same time as everyone else – she obviously knows nothing about real stars, as they always arrive late. How else do they get the attention that they deserve.

The whole thing makes me sick to my psychic core. I made their show, allowed some light to reflect from my talent onto them, to help lift them onto the ladder of televisual greatness, but when I politely asked for a tiny pay raise and more close-ups, along with my other meagre requests, they threw a petulant tantrum. No wonder their collective aura was black and gnarled.

How is Kyrano?

We have mutually decided to part ways and he has returned to be with the rest of his tribe. His name being besmirched in the media and on that shambles of a live show of Thorne’s sundered his spiritual abilities and left me with no choice but to seek alternate companionship. He was also getting very pushy.

Your civil-action suit against Frederick Falkner fell through, you must have been frustrated.

I blame the shambles of a legal system for allowing all manner of loopholes to remain in existence. If I had the time to retain a proper lawyer, whose spiritual credentials had been properly checked for perfect alignment with my own, then perhaps it wouldn’t have happened. Where a little nothing like that got the money for a top lawyer is beyond me, but if that is where the taxpayers’ money goes, then I’m glad I don’t pay any.

Is it true that the police refused to take up a criminal investigation into the matter?

Yes. The policeman that I spoke to after the party was extremely unhelpful and rude. When I ordered him to stop wasting time and send his best riot squad after the nasty little puppet who attacked me, I distinctly heard him say that I’d got what I deserved. If this is an example of the people charged with protecting stars from low-life hooligans, then Britain is in big trouble.

Are you still part of Cravenly’s psychic circle, or have you moved on?

I most certainly am not. Needless to say, the moment I was viciously assaulted and besieged by bullying, mentally abusive people who were supposed to be my devoted fans and fellow circle members, I tendered my official resignation. When I look back at how generous I was with my time, and how patient I was, tutoring them, passing on advice and generally improving their spiritual lives, it makes me sick.

Since I removed myself from the circle, life has been brighter and I am currently entertaining several requests to join new circles which have sprung up in Cravenly, and which appear to welcome a man of my worth. I haven’t yet decided on an appropriate appearance fee.

In your last interview, you described Cravenly as a sinkhole of negative energy that had spawned nothing but hooligans and mentally-challenged puppets. Have you resigned yourself to living there, or have you any plans in the pipeline to move?

For the time being, while I attend my wellness retreat, I am remaining in Cravenly. As hateful as the place is, I refuse to be driven out of my deluxe home by the spiritually and mentally-challenged scum who insist on pulling down my energies with their mere presence. As for the crude graffiti which keeps appearing on my gates, just because what I do may seem like magic, it doesn’t mean that I have an exploding magic wand or whatever it is that they keep drawing. The working classes have such limited imagination that it is a wonder they can summon the energy to switch on their game consoles every morning.

Your book sales are doing well, we hear; have you any plans for another?

Of course! With the amount of creative energy I have, how could I not? Someone with my talent owes it to the rest of the world to share it – that is the true meaning of charity. People deserve to know not only the extent of my abilities, but to know every last word of what I believe and think and know about everything.

I’m thinking of keeping a diary of my time at the wellness retreat, and chronicling my recovery and return to the top of the starry heap of mainstream TV, kicking Thorne’s smug little head as I make my next great spiritual strides.

Finally, is there any truth to the internet rumours that you are dating a woman who believes that she was a clitoris in a past life?

I have instructed my new lawyer to sue the internet for issuing such disgusting falsehood about me. Why would I want to date someone who used to be a part of a woman’s nose? The internet is nothing but a hotbed of lies and spite, pedalled by third-rate writers and jealous wannabes. My enduring celebrity is a beacon for such hateful chatter, but the fact that I can turn the other cheek and emerge victorious says a great deal about my spiritual tenacity and iron-clad aura.

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